Street Fighter

Written and Directed by Steven E. de Souza. Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Raul Julia, Kylie Minogue.

Universal Pictures - 1994

Two and a Half Stars of Review!

At its core Street Fighter has a valid point: children are not bright. Despite having its tongue planted firmly in its cheek Street Fighter is too long and commits the ultimate sin of being a kung fu movie (or kung fu-esque) with no good fights. Every single battle is shot with frantic disconnection, often cutting in and out of other people's conversations as characters go at it off screen.

Still, there are plenty of campy moments that you'll find amusing if you were ever a fan of the games this was based on. The best bits center around the late Raul Julia whose M. Bison plots to create a race of super soldiers in order to spread his Pax Bisona, construct Bisonopolis, and raise the exchange rate on the Bison Dollar. He even paints those crying clowns portraits, but with a decidedly Bison twist.

The Importance of Being Earnest

Written and Directed by Oliver Parker. Starring Rupert Everett, Colin Firth, and Reese Witherspoon.

Miramax Films - 2002

Two and a Half Stars of Review!

As far as modern Hollywood adaptations of Oscar Wilde go this one falls short of an already low standard. Most of the cast seems to be phoning it in, but it's the elements that are interjected into the story for the sake of making a clever looking picture that make it feel a bit too mundane. Enough of Wilde's witty dialogue is maintained so I suspect that it could serve as a jumping point for the uninitiated.

Trancers

Directed by Charles Band, Written by Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo. Starring Tim Thomerson, Helen Hunt, and Michael Stefani.

Altar Productions - 1985

Two and a Half Stars of Review!

Looking for a campy 80's Sci Fi flick that begins with a full grown man beating up and old lady, and a cameo by the actress who played Rachael in Family Matters? Basically it's the age old tale of a cop from the future who goes back in time to stop a mind controlling cultist, and enlists the help of a woman from the past who seems all too ready to accept that fact that he's a future cop who's gone back in time to stop a mind controlling cultist. Think Blade Runner meets Terminator if both those things were done really poorly. Not as entertaining as it should have been, but still fairly entertaining.

Bronson

Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn. Written by Brock Norman Brock and Nicolas Winding Refn. Starring Tom Hardy, Matt King, and James Lance.

Vertigo Films - 2008

Three Stars of Review!

Bronson succeeds in being more like a music video than the one man stage show vibe it's going for, but, though I'm slightly ashamed to admit it, I enjoyed it. Tom Hardy's performance is first rate, but the director spends just a little too much time bogging things down with unnecessary vulgarity and predictable exercises in style. If you're offended by near constant violence, gentiles, and profanity then you better stay away, but considering that this is a biopic about the so called “Most violent prisoner in England” the majority of it hardly feels inappropriate. Sure, it never scratches too far below the surface, but I suppose that's only a legitimate complaint if its lead character had much below to scratch. I'm not convinced he did.

Star Slammer

(warning: this is not a trailer. I couldn't find one so drink it down.)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray. Written by Fred Olen Ray and Miriam L Preissel. Staring Sandy Brooke, Susan Stokey, and Ross Hagen.

Viking International Pictures - 1987

Three Stars of Review! ***

If you asked me to distill the term “so bad it's good” into a definite film like essence then the best example I could toss at you would be Star Slammer. This film doesn't have a plot so much as it has things that happen. Awesome old school special FX, bad acting, plenty of self aware crapness... do I even need go on? How about the fact that the film's director also moon lights as a professional wrestler?

Gentlemen Broncos

Directed by Jared Hess. Written by Jared and Jerusha Hess. Starring Michael Angarano, Jennifer Coolidge, and Sam Rockwell.

Rip Cord Productions - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

I wanted desperately to love this film, telling myself that when it got yanked from theaters due to horrendous prerelease reviews that critics just didn't get it, but the reality is that Gentlemen Broncos is a train wreck. There are quite a few very funny moments and occasional hints at the brilliance that made Jared Hess' first two films so much fun, but you'll spend way too much time wondering aloud, “What the hell where they thinking?” So much time is spent wallowing in crude images like projectile vomit and a bob cat eating a man's gonads that the director appears to be reveling in just how much gross and Juvenal humor he can pack onto the screen. Couple that with a cast of wholly unlikable freaks and a main character that's almost a non entity and you're left with one of the most disdainful films I have ever seen.

Shutter Island

Directed by Martin Scorsese. Written by Laeta Kalogridis and Dennis Lehane. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Kingsly, and Michelle Williams.

Paramount Pictures - 2010

Two and a Half Stars of Review! **1/2

If Shutter Island feels far more pedestrian than it should perhaps it's because you just expect more from director Martin Scorsese. Obvious CGI backgrounds, blatant and silly visual red herrings, and an ending that I literally guessed in less than five minutes didn't help either. To be perfectly honest I didn't get engaged in the plot till the last 30 minutes where DiCaprio blows it out of the water with one heck of a performance.