Street Fighter

Written and Directed by Steven E. de Souza. Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Raul Julia, Kylie Minogue.

Universal Pictures - 1994

Two and a Half Stars of Review!

At its core Street Fighter has a valid point: children are not bright. Despite having its tongue planted firmly in its cheek Street Fighter is too long and commits the ultimate sin of being a kung fu movie (or kung fu-esque) with no good fights. Every single battle is shot with frantic disconnection, often cutting in and out of other people's conversations as characters go at it off screen.

Still, there are plenty of campy moments that you'll find amusing if you were ever a fan of the games this was based on. The best bits center around the late Raul Julia whose M. Bison plots to create a race of super soldiers in order to spread his Pax Bisona, construct Bisonopolis, and raise the exchange rate on the Bison Dollar. He even paints those crying clowns portraits, but with a decidedly Bison twist.

The Importance of Being Earnest

Written and Directed by Oliver Parker. Starring Rupert Everett, Colin Firth, and Reese Witherspoon.

Miramax Films - 2002

Two and a Half Stars of Review!

As far as modern Hollywood adaptations of Oscar Wilde go this one falls short of an already low standard. Most of the cast seems to be phoning it in, but it's the elements that are interjected into the story for the sake of making a clever looking picture that make it feel a bit too mundane. Enough of Wilde's witty dialogue is maintained so I suspect that it could serve as a jumping point for the uninitiated.

Trancers

Directed by Charles Band, Written by Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo. Starring Tim Thomerson, Helen Hunt, and Michael Stefani.

Altar Productions - 1985

Two and a Half Stars of Review!

Looking for a campy 80's Sci Fi flick that begins with a full grown man beating up and old lady, and a cameo by the actress who played Rachael in Family Matters? Basically it's the age old tale of a cop from the future who goes back in time to stop a mind controlling cultist, and enlists the help of a woman from the past who seems all too ready to accept that fact that he's a future cop who's gone back in time to stop a mind controlling cultist. Think Blade Runner meets Terminator if both those things were done really poorly. Not as entertaining as it should have been, but still fairly entertaining.

Bronson

Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn. Written by Brock Norman Brock and Nicolas Winding Refn. Starring Tom Hardy, Matt King, and James Lance.

Vertigo Films - 2008

Three Stars of Review!

Bronson succeeds in being more like a music video than the one man stage show vibe it's going for, but, though I'm slightly ashamed to admit it, I enjoyed it. Tom Hardy's performance is first rate, but the director spends just a little too much time bogging things down with unnecessary vulgarity and predictable exercises in style. If you're offended by near constant violence, gentiles, and profanity then you better stay away, but considering that this is a biopic about the so called “Most violent prisoner in England” the majority of it hardly feels inappropriate. Sure, it never scratches too far below the surface, but I suppose that's only a legitimate complaint if its lead character had much below to scratch. I'm not convinced he did.

Star Slammer

(warning: this is not a trailer. I couldn't find one so drink it down.)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray. Written by Fred Olen Ray and Miriam L Preissel. Staring Sandy Brooke, Susan Stokey, and Ross Hagen.

Viking International Pictures - 1987

Three Stars of Review! ***

If you asked me to distill the term “so bad it's good” into a definite film like essence then the best example I could toss at you would be Star Slammer. This film doesn't have a plot so much as it has things that happen. Awesome old school special FX, bad acting, plenty of self aware crapness... do I even need go on? How about the fact that the film's director also moon lights as a professional wrestler?

Gentlemen Broncos

Directed by Jared Hess. Written by Jared and Jerusha Hess. Starring Michael Angarano, Jennifer Coolidge, and Sam Rockwell.

Rip Cord Productions - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

I wanted desperately to love this film, telling myself that when it got yanked from theaters due to horrendous prerelease reviews that critics just didn't get it, but the reality is that Gentlemen Broncos is a train wreck. There are quite a few very funny moments and occasional hints at the brilliance that made Jared Hess' first two films so much fun, but you'll spend way too much time wondering aloud, “What the hell where they thinking?” So much time is spent wallowing in crude images like projectile vomit and a bob cat eating a man's gonads that the director appears to be reveling in just how much gross and Juvenal humor he can pack onto the screen. Couple that with a cast of wholly unlikable freaks and a main character that's almost a non entity and you're left with one of the most disdainful films I have ever seen.

Shutter Island

Directed by Martin Scorsese. Written by Laeta Kalogridis and Dennis Lehane. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Kingsly, and Michelle Williams.

Paramount Pictures - 2010

Two and a Half Stars of Review! **1/2

If Shutter Island feels far more pedestrian than it should perhaps it's because you just expect more from director Martin Scorsese. Obvious CGI backgrounds, blatant and silly visual red herrings, and an ending that I literally guessed in less than five minutes didn't help either. To be perfectly honest I didn't get engaged in the plot till the last 30 minutes where DiCaprio blows it out of the water with one heck of a performance.

Scott Walker: 30 Century Man

Directed by Stephan Kijak.

BBC - 2006

Two and A Half Stars of Review! **1/2

I had no idea who Scott Walker was when I began watching, but I walked away with some admiration for the man despite the fact that I don't want to listen to his music. The real problem here is that the film's makers assume that you know something about a man that no one seems to know anything about. Any details about the man's life come mostly out of his own mouth, and he washes over a lot of it. A lot of questions are left hanging not the least of which being why he is considered one of the most influential musicians of all time despite almost exclusively being popular in the UK? As far as documentaries about modestly talented men creeping towards the avant-garde go this one is a little flat; especially if you find that you're not all that fond of the music.

Ed Wood

Directed by Tim Burton. Written by Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski. Starring Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Touchstone Pictures - 1994

Three and A Half Stars of Review! ***1/2

I suspect that most people's fascination with Ed Wood has more to do with the fact that he was a walking episode of Jerry Springer, and less to do with his supposed earnestness and lack of sense, but that doesn't stop this film from being highly entertaining and slightly touching. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something hysterical about listening to Bela Lugosi curse, but there are plenty of laughs despite (or because) the writers keep things close to the truth. It does feel a little bit too long, but this story of a heterosexual transvestite that seemingly rode a wave of happenstance, and went on to be considered the worst director of all time should appeal even to people unfamiliar with the man's work.

Dead Snow

Directed by Tommy Wirkola. Written by Stig Frode Henriksen and Tommy Wirkola. Starring Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Henriksen, and Charlotte Frogner.

Euforia Film - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

If you're a gore hound who likes films that quote liberally from Evil Dead 2 then you'll be in heaven. Heads being ripped in half, chainsaw amputations, guts spilling on faces and used as bungee chords, and even genital mutilation via biting are displayed in modestly graphic detail. The script has its tongue planted firmly in its cheek, but the real problem is that it takes more than half the running time before the fun starts. Considering that it does nothing with its characters you'll probably get bored long before the end credits. Still, there are plenty of intentional laughs. How about a scene where one of the main characters charges a Nazi zombie while wielding a hammer and a sickle? It's a modestly affectionate two stars.

Antichrist

Written and Directed by Lars von Trier. Starring Willem Defoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg.

Zentropa Entertainment - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

Laughable, tedious, and shallow. I was not shocked.

Easy Virtue

Directed by Stephan Elliot. Written by Stephan Elliot and Sheridan Jobbins. Starring Jessica Biel, Colin Firth, and Kristin Scott Thomas.

Ealing Studios - 2008

Three Stars of Review! ***

This 20's era comedy about a mostly snobby and entirely dysfunctional British family vs. their American interloper leans more towards screwball humor than dry English wit. It takes a good half hour before it finally gets its legs, but if you happen to have more than a passing love of these kinds of period pieces (I am one of those people by the way) then you'll find it entertaining enough. Just don't get hung up on the morals. The people in these stories never do. Oh, if you're into British comedies you'll most likely spot the chick from The IT Crowd.

Triangle

Written and Directed by Christopher Smith. Starring Melissa George, Joshua Mclvor, and Michael Dorman.

Icon Entertainment International - 2009

Four Stars of Review! ****

After reading the description of this film I thought I had the whole thing worked out before the opening credits, but I was dead wrong. From the productions values to the acting absolutely everything about Triangle defied my expectations right up till the end. It may be best to walk into this with lowered expectations, but it certainly isn't necessary. Just make sure you know as little about this straight to video horror flick as possible, and you just might be blown away.

Overlord

Directed by Stuart Cooper. Written by Stuart Cooper and Christopher. Starring Brian Stirner, Davyd Harries, and Julie Nessam.

Joswend - 1975

Two Stars of Review! **

In the mood for an anti-war epic? You are? Are you in the mood for an anti-war epic made mostly of stock footage? Really? OK, how about an anti-war epic made mostly of stock footage that's also incredibly boring? Sure sure, but one that has a ten minute long shot of an airplane in flight and less dialogue than a silent film? I know. I know. Some critics call it a masterpiece, but those are the kind of people who revel in the snob factor of watching a film that 99 percent of the public would walk out on. Still not convinced are we? Then press play and break out the cyanide capsules.

The Science of Sleep

Written and Directed by Michel Gondry. Starring Gael Bernal, Charlotte Gainsboroug, and Alain Chabat.

Partizan - 2006

Four Stars of Review! ****

There are a lot of adjectives I could use to describe this film, but I'll spare the gushing and just say that you shouldn't hesitate to watch this incredibly imaginative and wonderful movie. OK, so I used a couple of adjectives, but that's beside the point. Unless you're violently apposed to films that get more than just a little trippy or you're one of those people that hate reading subtitles then rent or buy this immediately.

Avatar

Written and Directed by James Cameron. Starring Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, and Sigourney Weaver.

Twentieth Century Fox - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

When I walked into Avatar I wasn't exactly expecting a masterpiece, but I also wasn't expecting it to be as bad as it actually was. Boring, utterly riddled with cliches, totally lacking in imagination, plotless, and did I mention boring? Not to mention that the net effect of constant 3D overdrive is that I just ceased to notice it fairly quickly. Is this the new Star Wars as people claim? Well it is in the sense that it's a dumb movie filled with stupid looking creatures.

The Body Snatcher

Directed by Robert Wise. Written by Philip MacDonald. Starring Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, and Henry Daniell.

RKO Radio Pictures - 1945

Two and a Half Stars of Review! **1/2

Oft referenced Berk and Hare are the inspiration for this grave robbing mellow drama about three men and a lot of dead bodies. If the whole thing feels a little flat it's no fault of Boris Karloff who gives one heck of a performance as the murderous cabman John Gray. Personally I blame the director (prolific as he was), but if you're wondering if it's worth your time then consider that Boris Karloff actually murders Bela Lugosi somewhere in the latter half. If that means nothing to you then your soul lacks poetry.

Taste the Blood of Dracula

Directed by Peter Sasdy. Written by Anthony Hinds. Starring Christopher Lee, Linda Hayden, and Anthony Higgins.

Hammer Film Productions - 1970

Two and a Half Stars of Review! **1/2

The thing about the British is that even when they do things poorly they do them well. Solid acting, mostly inoffensive direction, and a story that's a little more than modestly perverse helps to create a real sense of atmosphere in this shoe string Dracula flick. Maybe not a lot of what's happening on screen makes perfect sense, but you'll enjoy the ride well enough. It's one of those films that you're remaking in your head while you're watching it.

Alone in the Dark 2

Written and Directed by Michael Roesch and Peter Sheerer. Starring Michael Pare, Lance Henriksen, Rick Yune, and Bill Moseley.

HJB Filmproduktion - 2008

Three Stars of Review! ***

The thing about this Uwe Bowell produced sequel to his masterfully bad 2005 film is that it only gets better the more familiar you are with its source material. Inasmuch as the more you know the less sense it makes.

Ethereal detective Edward Carnby has spent so much time dabbling in the occult that he got turned Asian. There's some stuff about a smoke witch, a magic knife, and a devilish pact, but you try and make any sense of it. In fact Alone in the Dark 2 makes less sense than any film I can recall in the sum of my movie watching experience. Not one single plot point, line of dialogue, camera angle, or facial expression makes a single lick of sense. It's as if the special FX and sets assembled themselves and the cast was left to improvise a film around them. God bless you Dr. Bowell.

Big Fan

Written and Directed by Robert D. Siegel. Starring Patton Oswald, Kevin Corrigan, and Marcia Jean Kutz.

Big Fan Productions - 2009

Three Stars of Review! ***

This would have been a great film had it come out around 1997. It bleeds indie filmness from its every pore. It falls to its knees and begs you to sup upon its late 70's aesthetic and gain nourishment from its not so much a story as a character study vibe about a looser loosing his mind. But here we are in ought ten and its all a little more than tired. After if you've seen one of these kinds of films you've basically seen them all. I suppose it may read like a lot of griping for a three star review, but I will say that the film sets its standards and meets them more or less successfully. Let's get suicidal!

Merlin and the Book of Beasts

Directed by Warren P. Sonoda. Written by Brook Durham. Starring James Callis, Laura Harris, and Donald Adams.

Front Street Pictures - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

Amongst a cast of unknowns you would think that the star of this film would be Battlestar Galactica alumnus James Callis, but the films real center piece is Callis' curiously erratic accent. At first it's a sort of a mumbling lower class British drawl, but other times it seems to shift in pitch and even occasionally adopt a Jamaican affectation.

Dull, poorly directed, drunkenly acted, and cheap looking, it will only hold your interest for as long as you can keep cooking up snarky remarks. The title should be changed to How James Callis Bought a Hot Tub.

The Wolfman

Directed by Joe Johnston. Written by Andrew Kevin Walker and David Self. Starring Emma Blunt, Benicio Del Toro, and Anthony Hopkins.

Universal Pitures - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

Does lots of special FX, loads of gore, and werewolf on werewolf violence sound like your idea of a good time? Be careful because the answer to that question may very well determined your worth as a human being.

This not so remake remake of The Wolfman is lifeless and unsatisfying which almost seems criminal given that it's a film about a werewolf. It's all the usual cheapest of cheap tricks with things constantly jumping into the frame, and noises so exaggerated that a flock of birds sounds more like ship to shore missiles.

Cartoon looking CGI and a total lack of subtlety make this one worth the time of only the most avid gore hounds. And don't try lowering your expectations. It won't help.

The Taking of Pelham 123

Directed by Tony Scott. Written by Brian Helgeland and John Godey. Starring Denzel Washington, John Travolta, and James Gandolfini.

Columbia Pictures - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

So you take a movie that's been remade, what, twice? You make it way 2009 by throwing in a fair amount of lazy profanity, a little visual masturbation a la Tony Scott, and what do you end up with? A perfectly serviceable thriller. That is until the last act where Denzel Washington's every-man suddenly turns Rambo meets Bullet. It isn't often that an ending spoils an entire film for me, but this wasn't exactly a gripping mind trip to begin with. Watch it if you have nothing better to do.

The Room

Written and Directed by Tommy Wiseau. Starring Juliette Danielle, Tommy Wiseau, and Greg Sestero.

Chloe Productions - 2003

Two Stars of Review! **

Is The Room as totally balls to the wall insane as people make it out to be? I don't know... maybe? Sure it's constructed with the near apocalyptic irrationality of writer/director Tommy Wiseau, but so what? It's a mellow drama, and for some reason an insane mellow drama is far more banal than, say, an insane Sci Fi epic. It's essence boils down to an episode of Red Shoe Diaries minus 95 percent of the titillation and 100 percent more Tommy Wiseau. Lets just say I was disappointed.

Solaris

Directed by Andrei Tarkovsky. Written by Stanislaw Lem and Fridrikh Gorenshtein. Starring Natalya Bondarchuk, Donatas Banionis, and Jüri Järvet.

Soviet Union - 1972

Two Stars of Review! **

I'm going to put this in third grade essay format:

Solaris is a movie by Russian born director Andrei Tarkovsky. Solaris is a visually stunning film. It is also one of the most shallow and pointless films ever created. It possess philosophical questions that will appeal to idiots. It is also the most boring film ever made. In conclusion if you liked Solaris as anything other than a meaningless visual exercise then you are a pretentious dick.

The end.