The Proposal

Directed by Anne Fletcher. Written by Pete Chiarelle. Starring Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty White.

Touchstone Pictures - 2009

Two Stars of Review!

I chose The Proposal because I've been watching so many low budget horror films lately (What can I say? They get me the most hits.) that I wanted something that was exactly the opposite. I can't say I was happy with my choice, but at least there was no profanity and gore.

As your typical romantic comedy The Proposal does everything you would expect and nothing more. Every moment that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are on screen together is funny and engaging, but the majority of the time Bullock is dragged through a series of increasingly lame gags, some of which involve eagles and crotches, but, sadly, not eagle crotches.

The Importance of Being Earnest

Written and Directed by Oliver Parker. Starring Rupert Everett, Colin Firth, and Reese Witherspoon.

Miramax Films - 2002

Two and a Half Stars of Review!

As far as modern Hollywood adaptations of Oscar Wilde go this one falls short of an already low standard. Most of the cast seems to be phoning it in, but it's the elements that are interjected into the story for the sake of making a clever looking picture that make it feel a bit too mundane. Enough of Wilde's witty dialogue is maintained so I suspect that it could serve as a jumping point for the uninitiated.

Star Slammer

(warning: this is not a trailer. I couldn't find one so drink it down.)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray. Written by Fred Olen Ray and Miriam L Preissel. Staring Sandy Brooke, Susan Stokey, and Ross Hagen.

Viking International Pictures - 1987

Three Stars of Review! ***

If you asked me to distill the term “so bad it's good” into a definite film like essence then the best example I could toss at you would be Star Slammer. This film doesn't have a plot so much as it has things that happen. Awesome old school special FX, bad acting, plenty of self aware crapness... do I even need go on? How about the fact that the film's director also moon lights as a professional wrestler?

Gentlemen Broncos

Directed by Jared Hess. Written by Jared and Jerusha Hess. Starring Michael Angarano, Jennifer Coolidge, and Sam Rockwell.

Rip Cord Productions - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

I wanted desperately to love this film, telling myself that when it got yanked from theaters due to horrendous prerelease reviews that critics just didn't get it, but the reality is that Gentlemen Broncos is a train wreck. There are quite a few very funny moments and occasional hints at the brilliance that made Jared Hess' first two films so much fun, but you'll spend way too much time wondering aloud, “What the hell where they thinking?” So much time is spent wallowing in crude images like projectile vomit and a bob cat eating a man's gonads that the director appears to be reveling in just how much gross and Juvenal humor he can pack onto the screen. Couple that with a cast of wholly unlikable freaks and a main character that's almost a non entity and you're left with one of the most disdainful films I have ever seen.

Ed Wood

Directed by Tim Burton. Written by Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski. Starring Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Touchstone Pictures - 1994

Three and A Half Stars of Review! ***1/2

I suspect that most people's fascination with Ed Wood has more to do with the fact that he was a walking episode of Jerry Springer, and less to do with his supposed earnestness and lack of sense, but that doesn't stop this film from being highly entertaining and slightly touching. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something hysterical about listening to Bela Lugosi curse, but there are plenty of laughs despite (or because) the writers keep things close to the truth. It does feel a little bit too long, but this story of a heterosexual transvestite that seemingly rode a wave of happenstance, and went on to be considered the worst director of all time should appeal even to people unfamiliar with the man's work.

Dead Snow

Directed by Tommy Wirkola. Written by Stig Frode Henriksen and Tommy Wirkola. Starring Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Henriksen, and Charlotte Frogner.

Euforia Film - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

If you're a gore hound who likes films that quote liberally from Evil Dead 2 then you'll be in heaven. Heads being ripped in half, chainsaw amputations, guts spilling on faces and used as bungee chords, and even genital mutilation via biting are displayed in modestly graphic detail. The script has its tongue planted firmly in its cheek, but the real problem is that it takes more than half the running time before the fun starts. Considering that it does nothing with its characters you'll probably get bored long before the end credits. Still, there are plenty of intentional laughs. How about a scene where one of the main characters charges a Nazi zombie while wielding a hammer and a sickle? It's a modestly affectionate two stars.

Easy Virtue

Directed by Stephan Elliot. Written by Stephan Elliot and Sheridan Jobbins. Starring Jessica Biel, Colin Firth, and Kristin Scott Thomas.

Ealing Studios - 2008

Three Stars of Review! ***

This 20's era comedy about a mostly snobby and entirely dysfunctional British family vs. their American interloper leans more towards screwball humor than dry English wit. It takes a good half hour before it finally gets its legs, but if you happen to have more than a passing love of these kinds of period pieces (I am one of those people by the way) then you'll find it entertaining enough. Just don't get hung up on the morals. The people in these stories never do. Oh, if you're into British comedies you'll most likely spot the chick from The IT Crowd.

The Science of Sleep

Written and Directed by Michel Gondry. Starring Gael Bernal, Charlotte Gainsboroug, and Alain Chabat.

Partizan - 2006

Four Stars of Review! ****

There are a lot of adjectives I could use to describe this film, but I'll spare the gushing and just say that you shouldn't hesitate to watch this incredibly imaginative and wonderful movie. OK, so I used a couple of adjectives, but that's beside the point. Unless you're violently apposed to films that get more than just a little trippy or you're one of those people that hate reading subtitles then rent or buy this immediately.

The Room

Written and Directed by Tommy Wiseau. Starring Juliette Danielle, Tommy Wiseau, and Greg Sestero.

Chloe Productions - 2003

Two Stars of Review! **

Is The Room as totally balls to the wall insane as people make it out to be? I don't know... maybe? Sure it's constructed with the near apocalyptic irrationality of writer/director Tommy Wiseau, but so what? It's a mellow drama, and for some reason an insane mellow drama is far more banal than, say, an insane Sci Fi epic. It's essence boils down to an episode of Red Shoe Diaries minus 95 percent of the titillation and 100 percent more Tommy Wiseau. Lets just say I was disappointed.

Super Capers

Written and directed by Ray Griggs. Starring Justin Whalin, Danielle Harris, Michael Rooker, and Ray Griggs.

RG Entertainment - 2009

No Stars of Review!

WTF?

Available to watch on Netflix.

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit

Directed by Minoru Kawasaki. Written by Masakazu Migita. Starring Hide Fukumoto, Lily Franky, Eiichi Kikuchu, and Beat Takeshi.

DefStar Records - 2008

Two and a Half Stars of Review! **1/2

Every ones got that thing that set their childhood imaginations ablaze. For some people it's Star Wars or Indiana Jones, but in my heart there is only room for one tableau and it involves a man in a rubber monster suit.

You see I have very fond memories of being 5 years old. My parents would drop my over active butt off at my grandmother's house, and I would sit down in front of the TV to watch cartoons while she cooked me all my favorite foods. It was heaven, but every other week my bliss was elevated to ecstasy when TNT (what I believe is now the Spike network) would run day long marathons of Toho films.

I still smile when I think about all the brightly colored plastic rocket ships and the goofy looking dinos bashing each others heads in. To this day giant monsters are my weakness. I've seen Cloverfield eight times! So if you're looking for a completely unbiased opinion on all things giant monster than you're talking to the wrong guy.

Essentially an indestructible monster falls to Earth (in Japan non the less) in the midst of the G8 Summit. The leaders of the world vow to rid Japan of this menace, and each one takes a stab at it in various comedic sequences. Russia tries chemical weapons, Germany attempts psychological warfare, and there's always that nagging question of a more atomic nature. Of course it all comes down to a plucky tabloid reporter, and a lot of crotch pointing.

The long and short of it is that if you don't have at least a modest affection for Godzilla flicks then you'll probably want to skip this one. A lot of the jokes fall flat (The U.S. Presidents name is “Burger” and the French Prime minister is a womanizer. Political satire!), but if you're familiar with the nuances of the genera, especially the Godzilla films and the early Ultraman series, then you'll probably giggle your way through most of it.

It's packed to the brim with just about every giant monster in-joke you can think of. Even the look of the monsters and the cities are strictly early 70's. I've read that director Minoru Kawasaki is called the “Tim Burton of Japan,” but whatever the reason for that comparison it isn't due to a knack for visual flare.

If you've seen the excellent Big Man Japan, and just need some more monster on monster comedy action then this is as good as you're going to get. Don't get me wrong it's not all bad, but pay close attention or you'll miss the two best gags. Just think about the two objects that the statue of Take-Majin is holding in its hands.

Available on DVD.

Short Circuit 2

Directed by Kenneth Johnson. Written by Brent Maddock and S.S. Wilson. Starring Tim Blaney, Fisher Stevens, Michael McKean, and Cynthia Gibb.

David Foster Productions -1988

A Star and a Half of Review! *1/2

Sigmund Freud once said, “I have found little that is "good" about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash...” and if there is anything I have learned from growing up in the 80's it's the profound truth of this statement.

This is a lesson that I learned not from Republicans or Reagan era politics, nor did I learn it from supposed capitalists, but instead from the one source whose intent was supposedly pure and nurturing: children's entertainment!

Think back to your childhood. Remember Captain Planet, Furn Gully, The Muppet Babies, Harry and the Hendersons, and Alf? What was the central message behind these supposed bastions of edutainment? It is that man is a twisted homunculus of God's design whose exists to taint this planet with his evil. Expect that in Hollywood God does not exist so it was probably evil ape like creatures from Marvel comics... I mean the multiverse.

How often have we seen feature films about the former harmonious balance of nature? As cartoons have demonstrated at one point bears and rabbits got along. They loitered in coexisting animal societies, but then man came along with his guns, his chocolate bars, and free market economics, forever tainting the perfect socialist balance of nature. That's right! Bears only kill because of Global Warming!

So it is in this thematic tradition we have Short Circuit 2, a film that so precisely strips away the mask of the American character (America being the ultimate culmination of human malevolence), and shows us for what we are: a callus and niggardly people.

The hero of this passion play is Ben Jahvri an immigrant who wants what all immigrants want when they come to this vial rock: safety, comfort, a roof over his head, and to have sex with a white woman. How pure and unaffected by the American disease he is, for he is from a place that is more simple and lacking the white skin. If Hollywood has taught us anything it's that white people only want to buy shoes and oppress blacks.

Jahvri is suckered into a toy manufacturing deal, but is unable to feed the glutinous maw of capitalism, and enlists the help of a talking robot named Johnny Five. Mr. Five is the only other innocent character in this picture. He is not human, but like Data after him, wishes to affect the trappings of our species. This of course makes him more human than the rest of us despite him being a robot, and lacking every single genetic and physical characteristic of a human being. Thus is the poetry of existence.

Literally every single person outside of Johnny Five and Jahvri is a crook, a murderer, and a scoundrel. What else can we conclude about humanity from such damning evidence? Watch when Johnny is arrested after ripping apart a bookstore? It's not that it would be a concern to have your business annihilated by a talking lunch box. It's that the white man has eternally failed to hear the cry for equality.

Of course if there is anything to be learned from decades of this type of indoctrination it's that Hollywood is ceaseless engine of hatred and destruction. It is the most racist, sexist, purely bigoted institution on the planet. It speaks under the pretense of enlightened left-wing political naval gazing, but really does nothing except attempt to suck in dollars. I say that Capitalism and Liberalism are indelibly intertwined. Capitalism wants to sell you things, and Liberalism promotes a moral void that allows them to do so by any means necessary.

Is man so rotten and so worth destruction as Freud and Satan... I mean Hollywood seems to think? Are we really the cause of all problems, and is ending our existent the inevitable cure? I am a humble man and cannot answer these questions, but if man must be removed in order to heal the lacerations we have inflicted upon mother Earth, then maybe we should start with the entertainment industry. Did I mention the robot says “balls?”

Available to watch for Netflix subscribers.

The Men Who Stare At Goats

Directed by Grant Heslov. Written by Peter Straughan and Jon Ronson. Starring George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Kevin Spacey, and Jeff Bridges.

BBC Films - 2009

Three Stars of Review! ***

When a woman breaks a man's heart he generally does one of two things: He either slips into depression and becomes a crippled lump or he puts himself behind something, and with all of his might and very little caution, he pursues that thing. This is a film about what happens when that thing is strange as hell.

Bob Wilton's wife has left him for his editor. Rather than resigning and moving on with his life Bob decides to go to Iraq. There's a war on, as we already know, but he spends most of his time drinking at a hotel bar, waiting for an opportunity to make it to the front lines.

It's here he meets Lyn Cassady, a man who claims to be a “Jedi,” and formerly part of a secret branch of the U.S. Military whose job it was to land behind enemy lines and use their psychic abilities to spread love and not war. We are informed they can confuse and control a man with a stare, they can find the location of a person thousands of miles away, and might even be able to walk through walls. Lyn is supposedly going into the battle zone in order to negotiate a waste disposal contract, and Bob convinces Lyn to let him tag along... or is it Lyn that convinces Bob?

From here on out the story is broken into two parts. We follow Bob and Lyn as they make their way through Iraq, getting into more than their fair share of trouble, while breaking things up with flashbacks chronicling the birth and death of the psychic warrior program.

You see some one in the chain of command read a book claiming that the Russians heard a rumor that the U.S. was developing a spoon bending force of super soldiers. This apparently was a little joke played by the French, but none the less those Russkies are working on a program of their own (supposedly), and America has to get there first.

It's all funnier than I expected, but not as funny as I had hoped. Jeff Bridges as Bill Jango is essentially doing “The Dude,” Kevin Spacey and George Clooney are terrific, and Ewan McGregor is funny and does a passable American accent. It's plenty of hard hitting absurdity with minimal drag.

If there's any kind of statement being made here it isn't shoved into your face like so many other war themed films that have come out in the last eight years. Given that it's based off of a book written by a “Guardian” alumni I doubt the credibility of the source the material, but lets just say I wouldn't be surprised if a good chunk of this was true. What would surprise me is if this was the weirdest thing America's government, or any government for that matter, had tried. It's a fun and light hearted anti-Americanism.

Currently in theaters.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Directed by Steve Carr. Written by Kevin James and Nick Bakay. Starring Kevin James, Keir O'Donnell, and Jayma Mays.

Happy Madison - 2009

Three Stars of Review! ***

I could waist a lot of words writing about how I feel critics got it wrong on this one. I could over articulate my point about this live action version of a Warner Brother's cartoon, and what it did right. I could rant about how in the age of Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow it seems unimaginable to have a film on that level of silly without the trademark foul language, and crude sexual forays. Instead I will just say this: Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a Kevin James vehicle. Kevin James is funny.

What I won't say is too much about the film itself. It's the kind of thing where the gags work best because they take you by surprise. Essentially we have Mr. Blart. An over weight mall cop with a medical condition that causes him to fall asleep on the spot should he not consume a pixie stick or two in regular intervals. Every one thinks Paul is a loser except his cherubic daughter, the mother that he lives with, and just maybe that cute girl who runs a hair extension kiosk.

Paul is well intentioned, but not exactly the brightest bulb. Or perhaps he's just a bit too socially awkward. He zips around his domain on a Segway (a device he seems to have mastered like a rotund chivalric knight), and suffers regular abuse at the hands of his fellow employees and patrons.

Somewhere between attempts to woo the girl of his dreams, and flinging himself through a window, the mall is infiltrated by a group of parkour efficient robbers who coincidentally take most of his friends hostage. It's then up to Blart to save the day in a series of increasingly silly physical gags.

This is of course the whole point. Kevin James is an extremely talented physical comedian, and a man of surprising agility. He leaps over fences, slides across the floor, and even does a few very funny things with that Segway he spends most of the film riding around on.

If you like films like Anchor Man, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and Hot Rod then you should like this. If silly is not your thing then you might want to reconsider. Yes it is made for the whole family and thankfully devoid of penises straying into the frame, but should that really be considered a bad thing?

This film is available to watch instantly for Netflix subscribers.

Management

Written and directed by Stephen Belber. Starring Jennifer Aniston, Steve Zahn, Fred Ward, and Woody Harilson.

Image Entertainment - 2009

Three Stars of Review! ***

Once there was a shaggy headed goon. One day the goon meets a woman. It's love at first sight. Not so much for her, but the goon is smitten. He then proceeds to do everything short of light himself on fire in the hopes of winning her affection, and they all lived happily ever after. Sound familiar? Welcome to the plot of every romantic comedy that doesn't involve Gerard Butler and/or Time Travel. There's just one thing: it's actually funny.

The goon is Mike, and Mike ekes out a fairly lonely existence working at his parents motel which seems to occupy a space in the middle of nowhere. The girl is Sue. She's pretty, seems to be successful yet regards everything with an emotionally devoid gaze, and just in case you didn't get the whole dead inside corporate chick thing she tops it all off with a touch of bitchy mascara. Mike meets Sue before the opening credits are finished, and thus begins the point A to point B rom-com convention.

At first Sue is simply annoyed with Mike, but slips into things with low key ambivalence. She even has sex with him in the hotel's laundry room. Why? Perhaps because Mike is the dim witted bolt of lighting that Sue needs to shake her self out of the void. That is what the genera demands, but do yourself a favor and pretend that motivation is trivial for 93 minutes.

Eventually Mike must go on a journey to find his love, as if you didn't see that coming, and a foul mouthed Chinese pot head gets thrown into the mix. In fact the whole thing is a lot stranger than its initial impression. Woody Harrelson even shows up as a dog breeding, ex-punk, yogurt tycoon, and love interest to Sue. Is he the wrong man? Like I said everything and the kitchen sink.

In the end the "Management" sort of fizzles out, but the majority of it has the right mix of laughs and boo-hoo drama. So if you're girly is bugging you to watch something a little more on the soft side then give this one a shot. Or if you're like me and happen to be sitting at home alone on a Sunday afternoon eating a cold burrito and licking your wounds then you could definitely do a lot worse. Especially if gratuitous use of the word “butt” makes you giggle. Lord knows it does for me.

Film available to watch instantly for Netflix subscribers.