From Beyond

Directed by Stuart Gordon. Written by Brian Yunza. Starring Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, and Ted Sorel.

Three Stars of Review!

Remember way back when every film wasn't shot in front of a green screen? You know, when special FX looked mostly real because they actually were real? Are you like me and pine for the days when two actors on a boat meant they were on an actual boat, on actual water, and it didn't look like they were standing in front of a cartoon? Am I driving my point home?

If you are, and you're not bothered by oddly perverse horror films, then you might want to check out this follow up to Stuart Gordon's debut Re-Animator. The acting is sub par, and the sexual element is a bit hokey, but it's well directed and has some very nice looking monster make up. Oh, and boobs. Just sayin'.

Trancers

Directed by Charles Band, Written by Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo. Starring Tim Thomerson, Helen Hunt, and Michael Stefani.

Altar Productions - 1985

Two and a Half Stars of Review!

Looking for a campy 80's Sci Fi flick that begins with a full grown man beating up and old lady, and a cameo by the actress who played Rachael in Family Matters? Basically it's the age old tale of a cop from the future who goes back in time to stop a mind controlling cultist, and enlists the help of a woman from the past who seems all too ready to accept that fact that he's a future cop who's gone back in time to stop a mind controlling cultist. Think Blade Runner meets Terminator if both those things were done really poorly. Not as entertaining as it should have been, but still fairly entertaining.

Star Slammer

(warning: this is not a trailer. I couldn't find one so drink it down.)

Directed by Fred Olen Ray. Written by Fred Olen Ray and Miriam L Preissel. Staring Sandy Brooke, Susan Stokey, and Ross Hagen.

Viking International Pictures - 1987

Three Stars of Review! ***

If you asked me to distill the term “so bad it's good” into a definite film like essence then the best example I could toss at you would be Star Slammer. This film doesn't have a plot so much as it has things that happen. Awesome old school special FX, bad acting, plenty of self aware crapness... do I even need go on? How about the fact that the film's director also moon lights as a professional wrestler?

Avatar

Written and Directed by James Cameron. Starring Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, and Sigourney Weaver.

Twentieth Century Fox - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

When I walked into Avatar I wasn't exactly expecting a masterpiece, but I also wasn't expecting it to be as bad as it actually was. Boring, utterly riddled with cliches, totally lacking in imagination, plotless, and did I mention boring? Not to mention that the net effect of constant 3D overdrive is that I just ceased to notice it fairly quickly. Is this the new Star Wars as people claim? Well it is in the sense that it's a dumb movie filled with stupid looking creatures.

Merlin and the Book of Beasts

Directed by Warren P. Sonoda. Written by Brook Durham. Starring James Callis, Laura Harris, and Donald Adams.

Front Street Pictures - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

Amongst a cast of unknowns you would think that the star of this film would be Battlestar Galactica alumnus James Callis, but the films real center piece is Callis' curiously erratic accent. At first it's a sort of a mumbling lower class British drawl, but other times it seems to shift in pitch and even occasionally adopt a Jamaican affectation.

Dull, poorly directed, drunkenly acted, and cheap looking, it will only hold your interest for as long as you can keep cooking up snarky remarks. The title should be changed to How James Callis Bought a Hot Tub.

Solaris

Directed by Andrei Tarkovsky. Written by Stanislaw Lem and Fridrikh Gorenshtein. Starring Natalya Bondarchuk, Donatas Banionis, and Jüri Järvet.

Soviet Union - 1972

Two Stars of Review! **

I'm going to put this in third grade essay format:

Solaris is a movie by Russian born director Andrei Tarkovsky. Solaris is a visually stunning film. It is also one of the most shallow and pointless films ever created. It possess philosophical questions that will appeal to idiots. It is also the most boring film ever made. In conclusion if you liked Solaris as anything other than a meaningless visual exercise then you are a pretentious dick.

The end.

District 9

(Note: This article was originally entitled Monoliths of Excess. It's not entirely about District 9, but to write a separate review would require me to watch the film a second time.)



Directed by Neil Blomkamp. Written by Neil Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell. Starring Sharlto Copley, Jason Cope, and Nathalie Boltt.

Tristar Pictures - 2009

One Star of Review! *

After viewing District 9 I found myself walking away not enthralled or even satisfied, but depressed and vaguely grossed out. I had gone in with low expectations given the films anti apartheid pretense. Generally when Sci Fi attempts to delve into deeper issues it almost always ends up coming off ham-fisted, shallow, and more than a little silly. My opinion is that if you're going to make a film about racial tolerance then make that film. Don't bury it in CGI, because in a special effects film, special effects are usually the point.

Currently the movie holds an 88 percent positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and if you scan down the review synopsis it's mostly blurb after blurb praising the film for it's high minded ideals. What most of those reviews don't mention is that those supposed “high minded ideals” are dropped in the films last act for extreme gore, profanity, and a visual excess only seen in video games. In fact District 9 really isn't much more than a video game with intellectual pretensions.

Some reviews almost made the film sound a bit light hearted. Make no mistake District 9 is as dead serious as it is unentertaining. It's also one of the goriest main stream movies I have seen. People are disemboweled, torn to pieces, limbs are shot off then stomped on, and a world record was set for heads exploding while the eviscerated chunks cascade into the camera . I feel it necessary to also mention that the number of F-bombs dropped in District 9's last act alone out counts the combined profanity in all the films I've seen in the last two years.

Combine all this with the fact that the film is shot mostly in documentary style which serves to make the violence and torture all that more unnerving. Of course none of this is helped by the scripts constant use of well worn action film cliches (the main alien protagonist even gives the “I won't leave you behind” speech).

In a way watching District 9 was the perfect companion piece to the previous night where I attended a Woodstock anniversary film festival. The perfect summation of the evening would be the instant we arrived and nearly mowed down a woman in her late 50's who was standing in the middle of the road, back turned to oncoming traffic, and chatting obliviously on her cell phone. At what point she did notice the large speeding box of death on wheels behind her, she turned around to reveal a t-shirt with the word “fuck” emblazoned on the front.

I've always felt there was something very pathetic about a generation who considers it's pinnacle a three day rock concert, and that night only reinforced this notion. I skipped the out door impromptu jams, and immediately went in to watch a showing of the Monterrey Pop documentary. Just a couple of short performances into the film, and it occurred to me what a horrid generation of spoiled brats this was.

A generation of people who did not act, but simply reacted. Doing so in the most obvious and shallow ways they could. Every one was drugged, spaced out, and dressed like cowboy wizard hobbits. The musical performances were equally as gluttonous. From Janis Joplin's wholly unrestrained and ear shattering rendition of Ball and Chain, to Hendrix's burning of his guitar, the whole thing was completely and utterly about the spectacle and not the music. In fact most of the acts present couldn't play worth a damn, and those that could were too busy flying around the stage like angry little children.

The film was a monument to a pathetic generation's pathetic excess, and from the screen to the crowd was that generation, bloated, and drunk on nostalgia and cheap domestic beer. It was obvious these people came to act out, and they did. Hollering at the screen, playing drum solo's in their lap, talking loudly during performances, and all adorned in their well worn t-shirts and flower wreaths.

Here was the generation that rebelled against a wealth and affluence unprecedented in world history. A comfort that was handed to them, not earned, and the same generation that would later go on to consume and borrow this country into a financial hole. Now in their old age they were like a pack of wild dogs, rabid, and chaffing for an excuse to rip the flesh off of each other. A feculent stink poured from their dripping maws as they clawed and tore at each other while Grace Slick belted like a glass hammer over some sloppily played blues rock. Even the odiously fluff laden tunes of Simon and Garfunkel couldn't diminish the crowds thirst for blood... blood and Budweiser. As I looked from side to side, wondering how I would plow my way through the rotund walls of rotting hippie flesh, I knew I would be lucky to get out alive.

Coming soon to DVD.

Ink

Written, directed, and produced by Jamin Winans. Starring Chris Kelly, Jessica Duffy, Quinn Hanchar, and Jennifer Batter.

Double Edge Films - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

The thrust of “Ink” concerns two groups and their interest in a certain little girl. On one side we have the Storytellers. They're the harbingers of good dreams. They phase into our reality from, what I gather by the way they dress is some kind of inter dimensional mall, and watch us sleep. On the other side we have the malevolent Incubus who serve an opposite function, and stand as this films most clever bit of visual design.

In the middle of it all is a big nosed troll like creature. His name is Ink, and he's kidnapped the girl, or the girls soul (the film never quite makes that clear), and intends to hand her over to the Incubus in hopes of joining their ranks. This might sound interesting, but honestly I've given you more narrative detail than the film's script offers up. Most of the running time is spent watching people walk around uninhabited spaces while firing off streams of made up fantasy jargon. It's painfully slow, but some would say the is pace deliberate. I say it lacks an actual story.

Visually the film is a wash of white light mixed with deep shadows. It sort of looks a bit Frank Miller, but the bad acting and stolen aesthetics harsh what would be an other wise modestly interesting comic pastiche. There are a couple nice set pieces, but it all feels like it was stolen, if not from a comic book, then from a video game. And that's about it.

There's a side plot involving the girls father, and a twist ending thrown in for good measure, but if you're decent at spotting voices then you'll probably have guessed it long before the last act. There's also a ton of groan inducing mellow drama. For a fantasy epic it doesn't totally lack a certain inventiveness, but there isn't anything of depth to latch onto. Just because it's a labor of love doesn't mean the one who's doing the laboring has anything to say.

If you're young and you're primary experiences with narrative structure happens to be video games and anime then you might find a lot to like here. On the other hand if you're not easily fooled by hollow attempts at weepy drama then you'll probably just roll your eyes and toy with the idea of shutting it off around the halfway mark. Did I mention that there's kung fu fights?

Available to watch for Netflix subscribers. Also available on DVD.

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

Directed by Edward James Olmos. Written by Jane Espenson. Starring the cast of Battlestar Galactica. I am not typing all of their names.

David Eick Productions - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

The entirety of “Battlestar Galactica: The Plan” can be summed up in a single shot. There is a moment where we are following two characters as they pass through a unisex bathroom. Suddenly the camera cuts to a lingering side shot of a woman's tits then tilts down bringing a man's penis into the frame. In other words the whole thing is pointless.

When I write a review for anything the tone and length of the piece are inspired by what it is I am reviewing. There is no particular formula or template. You could say I just feel my way through it, and as inspiration dictates I will be wasting as few words on this as possible. We'll start by getting some facts out of the way. We're all fans and we know why we're here.

What you want to know.

1) No, this is not good. Did you like Razor? I didn't, and this is worse than Razor.

2) Yes there is a ton of nudity, but it's all extras and all in the background. Sorry fan boys.

3) What few facts that do come to light are neither relevant or interesting.

What you need to know.

1) Edward James Olmos might be an idiot.

2) Nothing else!

So if that's what you wanted to know you can quit reading. I realize this probably won't stop you from watching “The Plan,” any more than it would had I been the one reading it instead of writing it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

For every one else the plot concerns two groups of Cylons – one group in the colonial fleet and the other back on Caprica with the rebels – as they plot to kill the remainder of humanity and ultimately fail. All of this is conveyed through a 60/40 mixture of new footage and clips from the first two seasons.

There's lots of big budget special effects in the new material, but it mostly falls flat due to a lack of flair in the cinematography department. As I mentioned there is tons of T&A. Edward Olmos likes the ladies, and he gets their naughty parts all up in the camera every chance he gets. There's even a full on Cinemax style sex scene.

Summing up, at 112 and minutes it's way too long, it barely skirts coherency, if you have not followed the series up to this point you will have no idea what is going on, and, not to put too fine a point on it, it's just plain tedious. I had lost a lot of affections for this series about 4 or so episodes before the finale. This is the nail in the coffin.

Now available on DVD.