Super Capers

Written and directed by Ray Griggs. Starring Justin Whalin, Danielle Harris, Michael Rooker, and Ray Griggs.

RG Entertainment - 2009

No Stars of Review!

WTF?

Available to watch on Netflix.

Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit

Directed by Minoru Kawasaki. Written by Masakazu Migita. Starring Hide Fukumoto, Lily Franky, Eiichi Kikuchu, and Beat Takeshi.

DefStar Records - 2008

Two and a Half Stars of Review! **1/2

Every ones got that thing that set their childhood imaginations ablaze. For some people it's Star Wars or Indiana Jones, but in my heart there is only room for one tableau and it involves a man in a rubber monster suit.

You see I have very fond memories of being 5 years old. My parents would drop my over active butt off at my grandmother's house, and I would sit down in front of the TV to watch cartoons while she cooked me all my favorite foods. It was heaven, but every other week my bliss was elevated to ecstasy when TNT (what I believe is now the Spike network) would run day long marathons of Toho films.

I still smile when I think about all the brightly colored plastic rocket ships and the goofy looking dinos bashing each others heads in. To this day giant monsters are my weakness. I've seen Cloverfield eight times! So if you're looking for a completely unbiased opinion on all things giant monster than you're talking to the wrong guy.

Essentially an indestructible monster falls to Earth (in Japan non the less) in the midst of the G8 Summit. The leaders of the world vow to rid Japan of this menace, and each one takes a stab at it in various comedic sequences. Russia tries chemical weapons, Germany attempts psychological warfare, and there's always that nagging question of a more atomic nature. Of course it all comes down to a plucky tabloid reporter, and a lot of crotch pointing.

The long and short of it is that if you don't have at least a modest affection for Godzilla flicks then you'll probably want to skip this one. A lot of the jokes fall flat (The U.S. Presidents name is “Burger” and the French Prime minister is a womanizer. Political satire!), but if you're familiar with the nuances of the genera, especially the Godzilla films and the early Ultraman series, then you'll probably giggle your way through most of it.

It's packed to the brim with just about every giant monster in-joke you can think of. Even the look of the monsters and the cities are strictly early 70's. I've read that director Minoru Kawasaki is called the “Tim Burton of Japan,” but whatever the reason for that comparison it isn't due to a knack for visual flare.

If you've seen the excellent Big Man Japan, and just need some more monster on monster comedy action then this is as good as you're going to get. Don't get me wrong it's not all bad, but pay close attention or you'll miss the two best gags. Just think about the two objects that the statue of Take-Majin is holding in its hands.

Available on DVD.

Flesh, TX

Directed by Guy Crawford. Written by Kathleen Benner and Guy Crawford. Starring Kathleen Benner, Wendy Crawford, Dale Denton, and Sonny Barley.

Cinema M3 - 2009

Half a Star of Review! 1/2

Flesh,TX isn't so much a film as is it some sort of demonstration on what not to do when making a movie. You could devote an entire film course to its almost bizarre ineptitude. What? Plot? Oh that. It's sort of about a family of hill billy cannibals, and a mother who hunts them down to save her daughter, but that's not really what this film is about. It's really about a thing I call the “did ya knows?” For instance:

Did ya know that you shouldn't prop your mic up next to a running air conditioner so that it drowns out the dialogue?

Did ya know that characters shouldn't constantly pop in from the side of the shot like they're in a Bugs Bunny cartoon?

Did ya know that if you're going to use jump cuts you might want to create a background track so that it doesn't always sound like different sets of cars are passing by?

Did ya know that southern tinged dialogue sounds a little weird when your actors aren't bothering to fake southern accents?

Did ya know that when a tire hits the ground it doesn't make the sound of a window shattering in an early 90's DOS game?

Did ya know that if, for what ever reason, you have to dub in half of the films dialogue you should invest in something more than a 15 dollar PC microphone?

Did ya know that the purpose of editing isn't to remove any sense of spacial continuity between the actors and their surroundings?

Guy Crawford didn't know these things, and neither did any one else working on this thunderously stupid picture. Sure it's a micro budget production, but I've seen family reunions shot with more ingenuity than Flesh, TX. This isn't the type of film you watch with your buddies while getting sauced hoping for a good laugh. This is the type of movie that you stare at with a confused expression while mouthing curse words.

Is it the worse movie I've ever seen? Probably not. I've seen a lot of movies good and bad, but that honor might go Zombies Anonymous. At least Flesh, TX didn't demand I take it's awesomely stupid premise seriously. Still, it will remain stamped in my mind as a water mark for terrible film making. Oh, and there's essentially no gore so if you're into that sort of thing you're out luck.

Available to watch for Netflix subscribers.

Short Circuit 2

Directed by Kenneth Johnson. Written by Brent Maddock and S.S. Wilson. Starring Tim Blaney, Fisher Stevens, Michael McKean, and Cynthia Gibb.

David Foster Productions -1988

A Star and a Half of Review! *1/2

Sigmund Freud once said, “I have found little that is "good" about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash...” and if there is anything I have learned from growing up in the 80's it's the profound truth of this statement.

This is a lesson that I learned not from Republicans or Reagan era politics, nor did I learn it from supposed capitalists, but instead from the one source whose intent was supposedly pure and nurturing: children's entertainment!

Think back to your childhood. Remember Captain Planet, Furn Gully, The Muppet Babies, Harry and the Hendersons, and Alf? What was the central message behind these supposed bastions of edutainment? It is that man is a twisted homunculus of God's design whose exists to taint this planet with his evil. Expect that in Hollywood God does not exist so it was probably evil ape like creatures from Marvel comics... I mean the multiverse.

How often have we seen feature films about the former harmonious balance of nature? As cartoons have demonstrated at one point bears and rabbits got along. They loitered in coexisting animal societies, but then man came along with his guns, his chocolate bars, and free market economics, forever tainting the perfect socialist balance of nature. That's right! Bears only kill because of Global Warming!

So it is in this thematic tradition we have Short Circuit 2, a film that so precisely strips away the mask of the American character (America being the ultimate culmination of human malevolence), and shows us for what we are: a callus and niggardly people.

The hero of this passion play is Ben Jahvri an immigrant who wants what all immigrants want when they come to this vial rock: safety, comfort, a roof over his head, and to have sex with a white woman. How pure and unaffected by the American disease he is, for he is from a place that is more simple and lacking the white skin. If Hollywood has taught us anything it's that white people only want to buy shoes and oppress blacks.

Jahvri is suckered into a toy manufacturing deal, but is unable to feed the glutinous maw of capitalism, and enlists the help of a talking robot named Johnny Five. Mr. Five is the only other innocent character in this picture. He is not human, but like Data after him, wishes to affect the trappings of our species. This of course makes him more human than the rest of us despite him being a robot, and lacking every single genetic and physical characteristic of a human being. Thus is the poetry of existence.

Literally every single person outside of Johnny Five and Jahvri is a crook, a murderer, and a scoundrel. What else can we conclude about humanity from such damning evidence? Watch when Johnny is arrested after ripping apart a bookstore? It's not that it would be a concern to have your business annihilated by a talking lunch box. It's that the white man has eternally failed to hear the cry for equality.

Of course if there is anything to be learned from decades of this type of indoctrination it's that Hollywood is ceaseless engine of hatred and destruction. It is the most racist, sexist, purely bigoted institution on the planet. It speaks under the pretense of enlightened left-wing political naval gazing, but really does nothing except attempt to suck in dollars. I say that Capitalism and Liberalism are indelibly intertwined. Capitalism wants to sell you things, and Liberalism promotes a moral void that allows them to do so by any means necessary.

Is man so rotten and so worth destruction as Freud and Satan... I mean Hollywood seems to think? Are we really the cause of all problems, and is ending our existent the inevitable cure? I am a humble man and cannot answer these questions, but if man must be removed in order to heal the lacerations we have inflicted upon mother Earth, then maybe we should start with the entertainment industry. Did I mention the robot says “balls?”

Available to watch for Netflix subscribers.

A Face In The Crowd

Directed by Elia Kazan. Written by Budd Schulberg. Starring Andy Griffith, Patricia Neal, Walter Matthau, and Anthony Franciosa.

Newtown Productions - 1957

Four Stars of Review! ****

Andy Griffith has a true gift for injecting a certain subtlety and slyness into over the top characters. Remember the eye chart joke in “No Time For Sergeants?” Watch the look on his face. It's one of the most memorable laughs in my entire life, and it's that quality that makes “ A Face In The Crowd,” a truly great film.

Here he plays Larry Rhodes, a hard drinking sociopath who goes from drifter to media god. He's discovered by Marcia Jeffries who runs a local radio program called “Face In The Crowd.” Think of it as something like early radio's version of reality TV. Rhodes is in the local jail, locked up for a week on a drunk and disorderly charge, but is promised to be let out early if he performs a song. Marcia not only gets a song, but a boisterous diatribe aimed at the local sheriff as well, and it's obvious from the start that Rhodes is a commodity worth exploiting.

The man is out spoken, electrifying, and appears to be one of those uncompromising every man types that won't let advertisers tell him what he can and can't say. Of course this is all apart of the illusion. Rhodes knows what certain ideas can buy him, and he's willing to manipulate his audience in a way that even the money men haven't dreamed of.

The genius of Griffith's performance is that he makes us believe the lies. We're sucked into the events and begin to believe that even Rhodes buys into his own babble, but with little more than a gesture or a single line Griffith reminds us what Rhodes is really about.

Director Elia Kazan (On the Water Front, East of Eden) expertly establishes mood with a gritty almost Film Nior look that has characters constantly moving amongst the deep shadows that Rhodes seems to cast on every place he visits. He assaults us with products that are little more than snake oil, jingles sung by pretty girls, and Rhodes is pulling the strings just as much as his are being pulled. It's a damning commentary on media manipulation that feels contemporary and almost shocking 50 years later. Consider a scene where Rhodes and his army of image consultants coach a U.S. Senator who has his eyes on the Presidency:

“What you need are sticker slogans.” One of them says “Like: It's time for a change!”

Sound familiar?

Available on DVD.

The Only Three Films I've Ever Walked Out On

Psycho Beach Party



I remember it as being something like a cross between a Franky and Anette beach flick and the SCUM Manifesto. I'm not exactly amused by camp and less amused by thinly veiled jokes based around characters latent homosexual tendencies, but I don't think that would have been a good enough excuse for the me of 9 years ago to waste my cash money. I don't remember why I walked out on this one, but I did.

Waking Life



A 99 minute masturbatory love letter from the director to himself. Linklater essentially spends the entire running time attempting to convince the audience that he is some kind of new aged Ubermensch, and then tosses in a gun control statement because he's that much of a self obsessed blow hard. Despite critics attempts to convince themselves that they've never seen rotoscoping before the look of the film is just annoying. If you enjoyed this movie you either had no idea what these people were talking about or you're an egomaniac.

Bully



Larry Clark makes films that often feel more like child pornography than actual movies. Bully is one of his ugliest,and it doesn't have a single redeeming quality in my opinion.

District 9

(Note: This article was originally entitled Monoliths of Excess. It's not entirely about District 9, but to write a separate review would require me to watch the film a second time.)



Directed by Neil Blomkamp. Written by Neil Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell. Starring Sharlto Copley, Jason Cope, and Nathalie Boltt.

Tristar Pictures - 2009

One Star of Review! *

After viewing District 9 I found myself walking away not enthralled or even satisfied, but depressed and vaguely grossed out. I had gone in with low expectations given the films anti apartheid pretense. Generally when Sci Fi attempts to delve into deeper issues it almost always ends up coming off ham-fisted, shallow, and more than a little silly. My opinion is that if you're going to make a film about racial tolerance then make that film. Don't bury it in CGI, because in a special effects film, special effects are usually the point.

Currently the movie holds an 88 percent positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and if you scan down the review synopsis it's mostly blurb after blurb praising the film for it's high minded ideals. What most of those reviews don't mention is that those supposed “high minded ideals” are dropped in the films last act for extreme gore, profanity, and a visual excess only seen in video games. In fact District 9 really isn't much more than a video game with intellectual pretensions.

Some reviews almost made the film sound a bit light hearted. Make no mistake District 9 is as dead serious as it is unentertaining. It's also one of the goriest main stream movies I have seen. People are disemboweled, torn to pieces, limbs are shot off then stomped on, and a world record was set for heads exploding while the eviscerated chunks cascade into the camera . I feel it necessary to also mention that the number of F-bombs dropped in District 9's last act alone out counts the combined profanity in all the films I've seen in the last two years.

Combine all this with the fact that the film is shot mostly in documentary style which serves to make the violence and torture all that more unnerving. Of course none of this is helped by the scripts constant use of well worn action film cliches (the main alien protagonist even gives the “I won't leave you behind” speech).

In a way watching District 9 was the perfect companion piece to the previous night where I attended a Woodstock anniversary film festival. The perfect summation of the evening would be the instant we arrived and nearly mowed down a woman in her late 50's who was standing in the middle of the road, back turned to oncoming traffic, and chatting obliviously on her cell phone. At what point she did notice the large speeding box of death on wheels behind her, she turned around to reveal a t-shirt with the word “fuck” emblazoned on the front.

I've always felt there was something very pathetic about a generation who considers it's pinnacle a three day rock concert, and that night only reinforced this notion. I skipped the out door impromptu jams, and immediately went in to watch a showing of the Monterrey Pop documentary. Just a couple of short performances into the film, and it occurred to me what a horrid generation of spoiled brats this was.

A generation of people who did not act, but simply reacted. Doing so in the most obvious and shallow ways they could. Every one was drugged, spaced out, and dressed like cowboy wizard hobbits. The musical performances were equally as gluttonous. From Janis Joplin's wholly unrestrained and ear shattering rendition of Ball and Chain, to Hendrix's burning of his guitar, the whole thing was completely and utterly about the spectacle and not the music. In fact most of the acts present couldn't play worth a damn, and those that could were too busy flying around the stage like angry little children.

The film was a monument to a pathetic generation's pathetic excess, and from the screen to the crowd was that generation, bloated, and drunk on nostalgia and cheap domestic beer. It was obvious these people came to act out, and they did. Hollering at the screen, playing drum solo's in their lap, talking loudly during performances, and all adorned in their well worn t-shirts and flower wreaths.

Here was the generation that rebelled against a wealth and affluence unprecedented in world history. A comfort that was handed to them, not earned, and the same generation that would later go on to consume and borrow this country into a financial hole. Now in their old age they were like a pack of wild dogs, rabid, and chaffing for an excuse to rip the flesh off of each other. A feculent stink poured from their dripping maws as they clawed and tore at each other while Grace Slick belted like a glass hammer over some sloppily played blues rock. Even the odiously fluff laden tunes of Simon and Garfunkel couldn't diminish the crowds thirst for blood... blood and Budweiser. As I looked from side to side, wondering how I would plow my way through the rotund walls of rotting hippie flesh, I knew I would be lucky to get out alive.

Coming soon to DVD.

De-Lovely

Directed by Irwin Winkler. Written by Jay Cocks. Starring Kevin Kline, Ashley Judd, and Jonathan Pryce.

MGM - 2004

Two Stars of Review! **

Cole Porter was a man of incredible talent. He was also an ass and a pig. At least that's what I've gathered from watching “De-Lovely,” a biopic that does what so many tiresome biopics do: it assaults the audience with a non stop parade of debauchery.

In fact it isn't so much a film as it is a series of vignettes set in enviable places with enviable people doing enviable things. Paris, Hollywood, and many many other locations serve as a back drop for Porter's ceaseless partying and homosexual trysts, all while his wife looks on in increasing despondency.

What do we get to know about Cole Porter? His catalog of music features some of the finest songs ever written. He had a strong sexual preference for other men yet the film asserts that he loved his wife deeply. Just not enough to spare her a life of endless humiliation and grief. Was there nothing else to the man?

And what of Mrs. Porter? At no point do we get any real sense of who she is or why she is willing to put with her husband. She seems to be little more than a nurturer who found a talented man-child to take care of. Unfortunately the last thing Cole Porter seems to have needed was another enabler in his life.

These events are accompanied by performances of the songs they inspired. Suddenly we find that certain lyrical undertones are a bit dirtier than we might have thought. Sounds clever, but some one got the not so bright idea of bringing in loads of pops stars who do little more than butcher the material. Hell, the only actual jazz singer in the bunch gets the shortest and least memorable piece.

As I get older I become less and less enchanted with the idea of talent and the kind of leniency it can buy you. Porter may have been something of a genius, but he seems to have been a bad person. Devotees might find something to love in all this mess, but I can't imagine what. It felt more like a headache educing litmus test for homophobes.

Available on DVD.

Ink

Written, directed, and produced by Jamin Winans. Starring Chris Kelly, Jessica Duffy, Quinn Hanchar, and Jennifer Batter.

Double Edge Films - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

The thrust of “Ink” concerns two groups and their interest in a certain little girl. On one side we have the Storytellers. They're the harbingers of good dreams. They phase into our reality from, what I gather by the way they dress is some kind of inter dimensional mall, and watch us sleep. On the other side we have the malevolent Incubus who serve an opposite function, and stand as this films most clever bit of visual design.

In the middle of it all is a big nosed troll like creature. His name is Ink, and he's kidnapped the girl, or the girls soul (the film never quite makes that clear), and intends to hand her over to the Incubus in hopes of joining their ranks. This might sound interesting, but honestly I've given you more narrative detail than the film's script offers up. Most of the running time is spent watching people walk around uninhabited spaces while firing off streams of made up fantasy jargon. It's painfully slow, but some would say the is pace deliberate. I say it lacks an actual story.

Visually the film is a wash of white light mixed with deep shadows. It sort of looks a bit Frank Miller, but the bad acting and stolen aesthetics harsh what would be an other wise modestly interesting comic pastiche. There are a couple nice set pieces, but it all feels like it was stolen, if not from a comic book, then from a video game. And that's about it.

There's a side plot involving the girls father, and a twist ending thrown in for good measure, but if you're decent at spotting voices then you'll probably have guessed it long before the last act. There's also a ton of groan inducing mellow drama. For a fantasy epic it doesn't totally lack a certain inventiveness, but there isn't anything of depth to latch onto. Just because it's a labor of love doesn't mean the one who's doing the laboring has anything to say.

If you're young and you're primary experiences with narrative structure happens to be video games and anime then you might find a lot to like here. On the other hand if you're not easily fooled by hollow attempts at weepy drama then you'll probably just roll your eyes and toy with the idea of shutting it off around the halfway mark. Did I mention that there's kung fu fights?

Available to watch for Netflix subscribers. Also available on DVD.

The Men Who Stare At Goats

Directed by Grant Heslov. Written by Peter Straughan and Jon Ronson. Starring George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Kevin Spacey, and Jeff Bridges.

BBC Films - 2009

Three Stars of Review! ***

When a woman breaks a man's heart he generally does one of two things: He either slips into depression and becomes a crippled lump or he puts himself behind something, and with all of his might and very little caution, he pursues that thing. This is a film about what happens when that thing is strange as hell.

Bob Wilton's wife has left him for his editor. Rather than resigning and moving on with his life Bob decides to go to Iraq. There's a war on, as we already know, but he spends most of his time drinking at a hotel bar, waiting for an opportunity to make it to the front lines.

It's here he meets Lyn Cassady, a man who claims to be a “Jedi,” and formerly part of a secret branch of the U.S. Military whose job it was to land behind enemy lines and use their psychic abilities to spread love and not war. We are informed they can confuse and control a man with a stare, they can find the location of a person thousands of miles away, and might even be able to walk through walls. Lyn is supposedly going into the battle zone in order to negotiate a waste disposal contract, and Bob convinces Lyn to let him tag along... or is it Lyn that convinces Bob?

From here on out the story is broken into two parts. We follow Bob and Lyn as they make their way through Iraq, getting into more than their fair share of trouble, while breaking things up with flashbacks chronicling the birth and death of the psychic warrior program.

You see some one in the chain of command read a book claiming that the Russians heard a rumor that the U.S. was developing a spoon bending force of super soldiers. This apparently was a little joke played by the French, but none the less those Russkies are working on a program of their own (supposedly), and America has to get there first.

It's all funnier than I expected, but not as funny as I had hoped. Jeff Bridges as Bill Jango is essentially doing “The Dude,” Kevin Spacey and George Clooney are terrific, and Ewan McGregor is funny and does a passable American accent. It's plenty of hard hitting absurdity with minimal drag.

If there's any kind of statement being made here it isn't shoved into your face like so many other war themed films that have come out in the last eight years. Given that it's based off of a book written by a “Guardian” alumni I doubt the credibility of the source the material, but lets just say I wouldn't be surprised if a good chunk of this was true. What would surprise me is if this was the weirdest thing America's government, or any government for that matter, had tried. It's a fun and light hearted anti-Americanism.

Currently in theaters.

Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

Directed by Edward James Olmos. Written by Jane Espenson. Starring the cast of Battlestar Galactica. I am not typing all of their names.

David Eick Productions - 2009

Two Stars of Review! **

The entirety of “Battlestar Galactica: The Plan” can be summed up in a single shot. There is a moment where we are following two characters as they pass through a unisex bathroom. Suddenly the camera cuts to a lingering side shot of a woman's tits then tilts down bringing a man's penis into the frame. In other words the whole thing is pointless.

When I write a review for anything the tone and length of the piece are inspired by what it is I am reviewing. There is no particular formula or template. You could say I just feel my way through it, and as inspiration dictates I will be wasting as few words on this as possible. We'll start by getting some facts out of the way. We're all fans and we know why we're here.

What you want to know.

1) No, this is not good. Did you like Razor? I didn't, and this is worse than Razor.

2) Yes there is a ton of nudity, but it's all extras and all in the background. Sorry fan boys.

3) What few facts that do come to light are neither relevant or interesting.

What you need to know.

1) Edward James Olmos might be an idiot.

2) Nothing else!

So if that's what you wanted to know you can quit reading. I realize this probably won't stop you from watching “The Plan,” any more than it would had I been the one reading it instead of writing it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

For every one else the plot concerns two groups of Cylons – one group in the colonial fleet and the other back on Caprica with the rebels – as they plot to kill the remainder of humanity and ultimately fail. All of this is conveyed through a 60/40 mixture of new footage and clips from the first two seasons.

There's lots of big budget special effects in the new material, but it mostly falls flat due to a lack of flair in the cinematography department. As I mentioned there is tons of T&A. Edward Olmos likes the ladies, and he gets their naughty parts all up in the camera every chance he gets. There's even a full on Cinemax style sex scene.

Summing up, at 112 and minutes it's way too long, it barely skirts coherency, if you have not followed the series up to this point you will have no idea what is going on, and, not to put too fine a point on it, it's just plain tedious. I had lost a lot of affections for this series about 4 or so episodes before the finale. This is the nail in the coffin.

Now available on DVD.

Senseless

Directed by Simon Hynd. Written by Simon Hynd and Stona Fitch. Based on the novel Senseless by Stona Fitch. Starring Jason Behr, Ema Catherwood, and Joe Ferrera.

Matador Pictures - 2008

Two and a Half Stars of Review! **1/2

This is the dawning of the age of entitlement. Every day on television and in the papers we see and hear people in protest, demanding not what they've earned, but what they feel is owed to them. Their villains are faceless white males in suites who hide in the shadows like boogeymen, preying on the weak and innocent. It's a misguided sense of social vengeance, and that is what "Senseless," is about... maybe.

Our white male is Elliot Gast. He is an important man. For what we initially don't know. He seems to be well educated, handsome, and successful, but when Elliot is abducted while walking back to his hotel we know little beyond those few facts. He awakens the next morning in his prison; a large white room with a bed, a private bathroom, and little else. There are cameras on the ceiling which tell Eliot he is being watched, but by whom? For the first three days he sees and hears from no one. He paces, makes a few feeble escape attempts, and then settles into the situation with an unnatural resolve.

At some point he awakens to find a masked man standing above him. The man never identifies himself, but informs Elliot that he's in for a world of pain. He is to be a proxy for American imperialism. He will suffer, and his suffering will be broadcast live on the internet where people can either vote to release him or decide what happens next; all for a donation. Which side do you think will be the most vocal?

It all falls somewhere between the Saw franchise and Old Boy. Elliot does suffer at the hands of his captors, but the spectacle isn't as gory or out right pointless as the former while lacking the raw emotion and depth of character of the latter. Senseless does have its fair share of violence, but it's all pretty tame even by American theatrical standards.

So what is the point? Who is this meant to appeal to? There's a lot of undeveloped potential here. There's the psychological game of cat and mouse that plays out between Elliot and the masked man. There is also the woman who acts as a liaison on Elliot's behalf. She seems to have, if not affection, at least some pity for Elliot, and claims she is doing what she can to get him released. But what does she really want? And what are we supposed to feel during a flashback of Elliot and company dining on Ortolan? Revulsion? Is this some proof Elliot's character?

Eventually we do find out why he was targeted via an on camera confession. I won't spoil it for you, but I will say that for the average person it won't justify what he's forced to go through, but for some, I suspect, it will be more than enough reason. I've rarely spoken to a socialist or hard lined left-winger and didn't get a sense that their beliefs are more about themselves than anything else. Despite their high minded ideals it's usually about control. The suffering masses are the justification, and it seems this may also be true for the masked man.

All these subjects are approached, but none of it scratches below the surface. Not to mention Jason Behr (Elliot) doesn't seem capable of emoting too far beyond throaty discontent. It's a lot of wasted opportunities, and makes me curious about the book it's based on. It's not going to please serious gore hounds, and lacks any real insight, but could you settle for merely decent?

Available to watch instantly for Netflix subscribers.

Not Your Typical Bigfoot Movie

Directed and produced by Jay Delaney. Starring Dallas Gilbert and Wayne Burton.

Common People Productions - 2008

Three and a Half Stars of Review! *** 1/2

Portsmouth, Ohio, like many rural towns, is dissected by empty stretches of road that seem to run endlessly in either direction. A place made up of browns and grays, thick clumps of dead earth, and abandoned factories that once were a life blood, but now sit empty, monuments to a certain futility that comes with progress. It feels more like a miasma than a place to call home, but here lives Dallas and Wayne; the subjects of “Not Your Typical Bigfoot Movie,” and here is where they have lived their entire lives.

Dallas, the more congenial of the two, likes to sing though he battles emphysema, and his wife of 21 years collects Elvis memorabilia. Wayne also collects: 8 track players, knives, religious art, but unlike Dallas he is far more morose. He is a man with deeply ingrained feelings of inadequacy. Much of the time we spend alone with Wayne is in pity and self abuse. “Don't be like me”, he tells us on more than one occasion.

Despite their disparate personalities the two men are best friends and colleagues. They have been on a quest for many years to prove the existence of Bigfoot, and much of their free time is spent in that pursuit. What drives them is obvious from the start. For Wayne it's more tangible things like fame and fortune. At one point he informs us that he has spent the last three years hauling jugs of water to and from his relatives houses just so he and his wife can shower and wash dishes. He has been unable to afford the sixteen-hundred dollars it would cost to fix his plumbing.

For Dallas it is something more than that. He believes that he is special. Connected in a way that most can never relate to. Dallas understands the Bigfoot on a spiritual level or at least that's what he says. He makes a lot of audacious claims (his skull is partly made of animal bones or that his DNA is supposedly part sheep are just two), and some of them taxed the better parts of my nature. It's not that I believe in what Dallas says; it's that I want to believe that he believes.

Of course Dallas isn't the only one that feels the same. Most of the people that he's close to do as well. Especially those in their Bigfoot research group. What little time we have among the mostly blurred out faces is spent in praise of Dallas and his ethereal talents. Though the camera does capture a lecture given by one member who claims that the reason we never find Bigfoot tracks in the snow is that not only are they telepathic (an accepted fact), but they may also be able to fly.

Thankfully these men and women are portrayed with a certain gentle honesty. Perhaps they are not all that well educated, and they don't exactly seem to be people of means, but so what? At its core this really isn't a club for Bigfoot enthusiasts. It's a support group.

Later a little drama does crop up in the form of a foul mouthed radio host. One of those late night conspiracy theorists whose primary audience probably tunes in more for the amusement factor. He claims to be there in support of Dallas, but after the first night when he senses a meal ticket he dumps him in hopes of capturing a Bigfoot of his own.

What can be learned from all this? Not much I suppose. It's a character study, and why not? Are Dallas and Wayne not worthy of our sympathies, our affection, and our interest? They are people after all, and God did my heart bleed for them. You might be tempted to look down on Dallas, Wayne, and the people that surround them, but consider when Dallas claims that Bigfoot has the ability to look into our hearts and know our intentions. What would he find in your heart?

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Fay Grim

Written, directed, and produced by Hal Hartley. Starring Parker Posey, James Urbaniak, Jeff Goldblum, and Thomas Jay Ryan.

Magnolia Pictures - 2007

Two and A Half Stars of Review! ** 1/2

In a way its difficult to review Fay Grim without reflecting on its predecessor; 1997's Henry Fool. My reactions to both films are nearly identical. What I liked and disliked about both films are just about the same in nearly equal measure. To put it as best I can: I'm not saying that you shouldn't watch either film, but I'm also not saying that you should.

In Henry Fool we first lay eyes on the titular character as he walks up a deserted street. He is like a dark cloud rolling over the horizon, and his presence signals a sudden and perhaps ominous change. Henry is like some unshakable and perverse force of nature. A man who seems to both purify and poison everything around him. He is the type of guy you might admire from a distance, but would regret getting to know, and Fay Grim is the fulfillment of vague promises made about Henry's past.

Three years later the story focuses on the incarceration of Simon Grim; Fay's brother and the former “student” of Henry Fool. Simon has become a world renown poet under Henry's guidance, but was arrested for helping him escape the country after Henry killed a man in self defense. Fay is Henry's wife, and as things pick up she struggles to raise her son in the meager existence that Simon's royalties afford them.

Since Simon's trial Henry has become a legend due to his connection to Simon, and now every one is after Henry's “Confessions” - a series of note books in which he scribbled his corrupt teachings – including the Israelis, the Russians, the Turkish government, and an Islamic terrorist group; all who think that the books contain coded information that might pose a threat to the United States.

Enter Fullbright; a CIA agent who informs Fay that her husband is dead, and that retrieving these confessions is vital to national security. She is then shuttled to Paris in order recover two of Henry's notebooks on the contingency that her brother will be released from jail.

What follows is a series of double and triple crosses, murders, sexual encounters, and a host of characters that move in and out of the story with little regard to sense. There's a lot going on, and little attention paid to the finer details making it difficult to pin point how and why any of the characters make it from one place to another, but don't automatically assume that this isn't the intention.

In fact the whole thing feels like a 118 minute long smirk at the audiences expense. All but two shots are set at Dutch angles; an effect that gradually downgrades from nauseating to slightly less nauseating. The characters deliver their dialogue with maudlin disconnection as if they are reacting to events in a different film, and what little action there is generally takes place off screen.

Is this an exercise in style or a search for it? My feeling is that much like Henry Fool, Fay Grim is a film about everything and nothing at the same time. Inasmuch as it mocks absolutely everything while actually being about nothing. Henry Fool dared you to enjoy it, and Fay Grim is your punishment for doing so.

There is plenty of witty and intricate word play here, as well as some out of place crude humor which is worth a snigger or two, but it all wears out its welcome long before the closing credits . Perhaps that's the point. Maybe Hartley is playing a joke on any one pretentious enough to try and find meaning in it all or is that giving him too much credit?

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Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Directed by Steve Carr. Written by Kevin James and Nick Bakay. Starring Kevin James, Keir O'Donnell, and Jayma Mays.

Happy Madison - 2009

Three Stars of Review! ***

I could waist a lot of words writing about how I feel critics got it wrong on this one. I could over articulate my point about this live action version of a Warner Brother's cartoon, and what it did right. I could rant about how in the age of Will Ferrell and Judd Apatow it seems unimaginable to have a film on that level of silly without the trademark foul language, and crude sexual forays. Instead I will just say this: Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a Kevin James vehicle. Kevin James is funny.

What I won't say is too much about the film itself. It's the kind of thing where the gags work best because they take you by surprise. Essentially we have Mr. Blart. An over weight mall cop with a medical condition that causes him to fall asleep on the spot should he not consume a pixie stick or two in regular intervals. Every one thinks Paul is a loser except his cherubic daughter, the mother that he lives with, and just maybe that cute girl who runs a hair extension kiosk.

Paul is well intentioned, but not exactly the brightest bulb. Or perhaps he's just a bit too socially awkward. He zips around his domain on a Segway (a device he seems to have mastered like a rotund chivalric knight), and suffers regular abuse at the hands of his fellow employees and patrons.

Somewhere between attempts to woo the girl of his dreams, and flinging himself through a window, the mall is infiltrated by a group of parkour efficient robbers who coincidentally take most of his friends hostage. It's then up to Blart to save the day in a series of increasingly silly physical gags.

This is of course the whole point. Kevin James is an extremely talented physical comedian, and a man of surprising agility. He leaps over fences, slides across the floor, and even does a few very funny things with that Segway he spends most of the film riding around on.

If you like films like Anchor Man, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and Hot Rod then you should like this. If silly is not your thing then you might want to reconsider. Yes it is made for the whole family and thankfully devoid of penises straying into the frame, but should that really be considered a bad thing?

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Management

Written and directed by Stephen Belber. Starring Jennifer Aniston, Steve Zahn, Fred Ward, and Woody Harilson.

Image Entertainment - 2009

Three Stars of Review! ***

Once there was a shaggy headed goon. One day the goon meets a woman. It's love at first sight. Not so much for her, but the goon is smitten. He then proceeds to do everything short of light himself on fire in the hopes of winning her affection, and they all lived happily ever after. Sound familiar? Welcome to the plot of every romantic comedy that doesn't involve Gerard Butler and/or Time Travel. There's just one thing: it's actually funny.

The goon is Mike, and Mike ekes out a fairly lonely existence working at his parents motel which seems to occupy a space in the middle of nowhere. The girl is Sue. She's pretty, seems to be successful yet regards everything with an emotionally devoid gaze, and just in case you didn't get the whole dead inside corporate chick thing she tops it all off with a touch of bitchy mascara. Mike meets Sue before the opening credits are finished, and thus begins the point A to point B rom-com convention.

At first Sue is simply annoyed with Mike, but slips into things with low key ambivalence. She even has sex with him in the hotel's laundry room. Why? Perhaps because Mike is the dim witted bolt of lighting that Sue needs to shake her self out of the void. That is what the genera demands, but do yourself a favor and pretend that motivation is trivial for 93 minutes.

Eventually Mike must go on a journey to find his love, as if you didn't see that coming, and a foul mouthed Chinese pot head gets thrown into the mix. In fact the whole thing is a lot stranger than its initial impression. Woody Harrelson even shows up as a dog breeding, ex-punk, yogurt tycoon, and love interest to Sue. Is he the wrong man? Like I said everything and the kitchen sink.

In the end the "Management" sort of fizzles out, but the majority of it has the right mix of laughs and boo-hoo drama. So if you're girly is bugging you to watch something a little more on the soft side then give this one a shot. Or if you're like me and happen to be sitting at home alone on a Sunday afternoon eating a cold burrito and licking your wounds then you could definitely do a lot worse. Especially if gratuitous use of the word “butt” makes you giggle. Lord knows it does for me.

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June 9

No trailer available

Written, directed, and produced by T. Michael Conway. Starring Jon Ray, Trevor Williams. Maggie Blazunas, Alasha Wright, and Chad Vincent.

Legion Film Works - 2008

Two Stars of Review! **

Like the Blair Witch Project before it, “June 9,” is a documentary style film about young people wandering into strange territory, and meeting a horrible fate. Rather than a small band of hungry documentary film makers we are instead along for the ride with a group of bone headed teenagers on a quest to score some weed, and play a few less than harmless pranks on the locals.

Don't get me the wrong the whole thing isn't as obnoxious as I just made it sound. The protagonists (or antagonists depending on how you see it) really are truly bone headed and obnoxious, but in a perfectly natural and realistic way. These aren't slasher flick stereotypes just aching to be eviscerated, but instead come across as genuine, and will probably remind you of yourself at that age in one way or another.

The films events take place over several days as a group of four companions travel to and from a rural town named Boston Mills. Initially they go to check out a supposed marijuana crop (a rumor started by “Ezra the Fagot” as a couple of characters helpfully point out), but after the kids come back with their stash one of them hears a few ghostly tales about “Hell Town”, as the locals call it, and they begin a tour of its more infamous locations .

I'm not going to say much about the production values, but what I will say is that the director makes clever enough use of what little is available. The town itself is sparse and seems to be made up of only a gas station, a diner, a few houses, and a lot of open woods. Its residents appear to have been plucked straight out of the early 30's with bow ties and dated jargon, but this is the films least convincing element. It has neither the strength in acting nor the budget to make Hell Town's denizens seem like anything other than bad actors. Fortunately the film doesn't linger on these details for longer than the plot calls for, and keeps the focus on the teens.

Unfortunately this also turns out to be the films biggest problem. The majority of the running time is spent watching the kids smoke cigarettes, curse, and play increasingly more malicious pranks on each other and any one who happens to be passing by. In other words: nothing happens. In fact the only two scary moments in the film come early, and you just might miss them if you blink.

In the end any sense of super natural dread that does get built up is tossed out in a shower of low budget gore. Whether or not you find this a suitable pay off for sitting through 132 minutes of mostly nothing is up to you. Maybe we're supposed to be filled with some sense of righteous anger as these kids get their due, but personally I just thought it was depressing. Oh and stay after the initial credits for an extra five minutes of unnecessary revelations.

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